Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
