What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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