she woke up with a sticky ear
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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