i would punch a child for taco bell
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
