Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
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