Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
