how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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