Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
