so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
