You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
