Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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