You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
