Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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