so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
