look no pants
it hurts more in the daytime
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
