My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
