Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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