i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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