god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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