I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
zippers are such a cool invention
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
