summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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