yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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