I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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