His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
