i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
