Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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