The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
