It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
