Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
