Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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