can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
