hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
