I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
