He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
