he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
