my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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