I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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