Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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