well I can't set my house on fire every night
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
