Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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