Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
