So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
