did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
