I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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