last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
