Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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