I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
