just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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