Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
