I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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